Building character

Challenges of life sent to build you tear away day by day & seem to be eating up my energy. Pisses me off it does, surely along with a bunch of other people frustrated by my lack of motivation. Well I'm frustrated too. Oh well.

Across the street people in suits & dresses mingle as they gather after her service. A neighbor named Carol, died this week at the age of 50. She was raising 2 children for her sister who died before this. What character those children are being allowed to form. My heart goes out to them. I don't even know them. I just have lots of windows and have lived here 13 years.

She loved animals & raised both dogs & cats. The dogs are gone, but I still see cats sunning themselves between the miniblinds & glass. They like mid morning sun, I suppose it's warmed & melted any night frost by then. I've worried about them. It's a strange habit worrying. I must make a stronger attempt to change my stagnant ways.

I wish we knew better how to embrace death as a transformation into another plane rather than the emotional crisis it is. I'm sure those souls who move are not saddened, but maybe even relieved to have made it to another level. Oh, I guess they can't all be moving up..... I pray for God to have mercy on us all. Especially those who don't know to deserve it.

I wish for motion to stir my soul & my world. I suppose that is exactly what I've been given, I just can't feel the updraft yet.

I've 2 great unexpected phone calls this week. Persons who God may have sent into my life. I'd like to say that with definance, but I dare not assume what/who God's working with/about.... mmm now that sounds worse. I believe He is working good always. Let's just go there.

It's strange writing out into space. Sometimes it could be likened to walking naked in front of a shadeless window, you don't know for sure anyone is looking, but you do know for sure people are out there - somewhere. Mostly I need to practice writing.

The Man:
He called around 6 last night using a cell phone & calling from a place with lots of background noise. He grew up on my block 3 houses north from ours. He has 2 sisters older than I & he must be just younger because he ran around with my little brother.

So he sets his stage; recently divorced, 4 daughters, just moved back to Boone. Was wondering if I was seeing anyone (no) and would like to go out to dinner sometime after Christmas.

Nice. Just in time to save me from thinking about the slug ex who called the other night after a night of drinking at the bar. I hate to use his real name, let's call him Jim. Jim's history is like an unending nightmare who never sobers up. I keep thinking he will, but that doesn't happen. He screws me over with one girl after another. I try unsuccessfully to date others. Somewhere deep down I really love him & wish he would change. Yeah I know, famous last words. So this year in May he comes over after months of not seeing him. Convinces me he is going to get straight & he needs help from me. He makes it sound like we're going to live happily ever after. I'm thrilled. Then I go off on a trip for business. He promptly finds one of my daughter's friends and sleeps with her. And he doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me. My daughter has to & she feels bad due to being stuck in the middle, not wanting to hate her friend, not wanting to crush my 42 year old heart. I thought I was going to die. I never want to date anyone ever again.

Months go by. He reappears after the 24 year old only to be caught in bed with someone else a day later. I think the guy is a sex addict. I hope that isn't the death of me. It's a dangerous game these days. Fricken jerk. So then he finds a 30 year old. Oh, how sweet. They can almost converse. Oh, darn silly me. Don't mean to be bitter, but I am so there.

4 months since he started with her & my calls from him started a month ago. First two were 2 weeks apart, then a week, then a day. Now, that should tell you I would be entering an obsession phase that could interfere in my whole world. He's like that. Like no other in terms of throwing me off, that's for sure. Anyway, surely he ran right back to her. He actually sounds a bit scared of her. Scared she will hurt me or damage him. That's strange and a behavior I can't say I've ever seen in him before.

Enough of wasting time on him.

So, the man on the phone says he always remembered me in a "special" way all these years. I'm almost afraid to see anyone who is looking forward to seeing me, but I'm ecstatic in another. I've been waiting for someone to drag me out of this slump. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, I will pull myself out, but I am ready for a new chapter. How exciting.

And that's my news today.

1 more day of resistance

hurray. I have made it another day without spending a dime. I guess gas & lights, etc. keep expenses occurring round the clock, however no shopping have I done. All these commercials it's so hard to resist. Such good sales...

snickerdoodles and banana bread mmmmm can't we hear sleighbells comin' down the lane?

too much commercialism

You know I love Jesus, but I don't understand our Christmas holiday. Just what does a fricken tree & presents have to do with loving God & recongnizing His son's birth? I'm not putting up a tree & I may never do it again. No rearranging the furniture. No sweeping needles into my vaccuum. That whole decorate different for every month crap is for women with too much time on their hands. ooops I sound bitter. why should I feel defensive because I don't want to be like everyone else. My mother even used the "S" word. (you know, scrooge) I just feel strangely disconnected from this whole culture of shoppers. Our material belongings don't mean diddly squat.

Now, on the baking side of the season, I've baked my share. It's a cookie year at our house. Chocolate chip, oatmeal, oatmeal-scotchies, snickerdoodles, gingersnaps, oatmeal cocoa bars, mmmmm. It's all good. Yep, I'll be hitting the gym after December for sure.

not day 1, but my first time

It's harder than I thought to bare my soul, but as life demands, I must release. So many subjects lie beneath society's approval, I've found it troubling to share my true thoughts. This is my 2nd attempt blogging. Let's hope practice makes it better.